Archive for October, 2009

Cherry 3


Where’ d you put the keys girl?

There are way too many things wrong with me to fix in one week– I feel like a work in process stalling in its tracks.


You irritating ignorant little girl.


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Phone Home


I just need to talk to someone today. Someone who would take me, and hold me and say, all these things, all of them, are lies. Illusions really and all these things, all of whats happened, and all those things, done, and hated, all these things are lies. Illusions.

Today all I want is a friend. And today, just today I’d like to hear, about something that I did right. And today, I want someone to please me, or try. I want someone to say oh dear, your not that bad. I want someone to say I love you and your smart and your pretty and dont cry and I’m sorry I hurt you and here’s some wine and oh would you like a drink and oh god you look sad tell me whats wrong, and no this isnt right.

Today I want to be told that im not a time filler. today i want to feel secure, and oh god today  I want to feel  like something other than a worthless worm.

I wish I had people to talk to today

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cuar01_gainsbourg0711Bild 15These one liners can get me out of here…thers case law, theres precedence. section 8.6.

Sorry Niel– Nice try


Drum Roll- Lights Out

Is it midnight yet? 

yea– something like that

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Found this on a Blog called “Anywayss”. I was really bothered by the last line, it seemed to be that it wasnt the appropriate response. Us humans have a tendency to make everything about ourselves– our OWN survival, our OWN morality– and that, THAT very Judeio/ Christian vanity, is why Birds, and Monkey and elephants and Polar Bears and all other God’s creatures, all of whom we’ve so conveniently convinced ourselves, are down here to serve us and protect us from cancer and H1N1, and old age, and death, are DYING. Horrible Horrible DEATHs. Deaths THEY dont deserve but we DO.

The girl who posted this, related it back to herself, being worried that this will happen to humans one day. this SHOULD happen to humans one day. If there is any justice in the world.

If there’s any justice in the world, one day, WE wont be the primary specie, one day WE too will be experimented on by some highly evolved creature who can perhaps talk through its brain, and fly and hover and do all this batshit crazy stuff we cant, that we think makes him better than us.

maybe one day some creature will use the argument of Hey, they cant talk with their MINDS so they have no soul, so its ok to kill them and use their eyeballs to make creams for our skins. we dont want our perfectly blue purple shade to turn darker.

So what I feel today, is that THIS, what follows, should have been written as caption for this picture.

“Imagine a world where you aren’t the top specie, and you if you aren’t being hunted for your skin, hair, skin of your feet, your teeth, your nails , your eyeballs, or being experimented on, you are being ignored, your home destroyed and you left with nothing to eat, but the discards of the top species’ garbage.

This is how the “others” must feel. This is how it feels to not be human.”

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500x_vintage-halloweenI think the impossible has happened. I’m not excited about Halloween, not only NOT excited but downright underwhelmed. I feel forced. I wish I hadnt bought tickets. This is strange. It might be because I dont like my costume.  I wanted blood and gore and the goddamn costume is all sugar,and bows and sparkles. This isnt Halloween its a goddamn bunny rabbit. On that point why did I get allocated the bunny rabbit? I would have been able to do so much more with Queen of Hearts, or the Cheshire Cat. Also on that point I wanted to be the OYSTERS from Walrus and the Carpenter. I love those oysters, I identify with them, those gullible little creatures so desperate for love, they are willing to follow a huge ass walrus who ends up eating them and not even sharing. even though he knows sharing is caring and then tells the carpenter that eating isnt cheating. 

On that point this reminds me of the story of this story my mom used to tell me when I was a kid, something about two dogs and one of them leaving his rice pudding (why the hell did the dog have rice pudding in the first place?) with his friend and asking him to guard it, and coming back to an empty bowl and the friend saying hey I wanted to keep it in a warm and safe place.  Eating isnt cheating. 

So yea this year I dont feel like dressing up, instead I feel more like sitting at home, watching “Nightmare Before Christmas” and “Hocus Pocus” and curling up to some pumpkin cake, even though I dont even like pumpkin cake. 

God I hate growing up.

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The Love Stuff


One morning you wake up and you realize that all your dreams of a rock n’ roll kind of life are all sorts of lame, and one day you wake up and realize that the self-destructive shit you called being yourself was you just trying to kill something good and pure that could lead to the kind of happiness that could lead to horrible sadness and anger and hurt.

And one day you wake up, and you realize that the people that surround you are not a reflection of you, but your childhood nightmares that you were so scared of materializing you had to face them by finding them and hanging out with them and labeling them “friend” and then destroying them by labeling them “destructive forces in my life”, all the while knowing that it’s not their fault, they existed before you and they existed during you and they existed through you and they’ll exist long after your gone and long after their gone.

The stench of their sex and drugs and fake rock ‘n roll, and horrible energies and brown auras and oily Rappinies in your stomach will stay and not digest and no amount of earth worms or body wash or shampoos can get it out. One day you’ll wake up and realize that all the perfumes of Arabia cannot sweeten your breath, and sharpen your brain that you invested all your life in and tried to kill during those 3 months that you lived with your childhood nightmares.

one day you’ll wake up and wear a green wristband and say this morning I feel guilty because I saw a girl die yesterday, and I heard the screams of who i thought was her father but was her music teacher begging her to stay and cursing the Gods and the governments they brought your country those so many years ago who are still converting and living and killing by the sword and the gun and the tear gas and the blood. and one day you’ll wake up and say Im persian again, and all you others with your beer bellies and coked out brains and leathery skins who dont give a shit about shit other than things that are really shit can just go eat your shit. 

And one morning you wake up, and you feel so fucking self righteous you say I have to give everything and everyone a chance because they deserve it and im a good fucking catch and I should get away from this nightmare and find a persian nightmare to live. And one morning you say I dont want the girl. and one morning you wake up and you wonder how the fuck did I not wear a bra for 3 months and oh god I really wish I could take all of it back, and be back at home and bake cupcakes, because now I cant since the hipsters have kidnapped my favorite food group and hope that they move on to macaroons soon, because you dont know how to make macaroons and if macaroons are cool, then cupcakes will be passe’ and you can be friends again.

One day you wake up and you say Im gonna wash the paint off that pink elephant so I dont have to notice it so much.

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Advice for Olive


“The reason for staying,

is not that he would give you the moon and the stars (if he could*),

but that you want to give him all that and more.”


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