Archive for January, 2010

Ive lost my self in this house. this house. this house. and the guilt of this house. oh this house, is all my fault for answering a simple phone call.
Ive lost my dad for this house, and my sister for this house, and my mother for this house, and my self.
Ive lost myself for this house.
and you said you lost everything for me.
and the truth; is that i lost everything for this.
this house, that has my name on it but isnt even mine.


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three little piglets.
three little piglets in denim and white Ts. three little piglets hair strewn across faces.
no more glee.
three little piglets. 12-year-old piglets. maybe 15. smoking something in a messy room, of their tree.
three little piglets. all jaded and shit.
these three little piglets need some parenting I think.

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Ring you say,

ring she did, 

ring is all I hear, ring ring ring in my ear,

and my ears are ringing with fear.

Ring you say,

ring she did,

this morning she did,

hi she said, inquire she did.

“What” I say, “what?” you say.

“Why” I say, laugh you give. coffee stained, sharpened teeth, on my flesh,

You give.

HER name you find,

in this book, this book of foretold future truths, Her name you find on the 5th verse,

for this second ringing time.

laugh I give, laugh I give, wilted fingers of chemicalled green,

I give.




it goes.


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you cant have what I’m having. not today. not ever.

Im not sorry.

you just cant.

Im not sorry.

This, this peace of mind, little happiness, crafted out of pasta nights in front of Seinefield and stained pull-out sofas and arguments over simple base human interactions, is mine. This little happiness, of living out of a storage room, and washing dishes at 1 in the morning, and smoking in a closed space is mine. these little im sorries, im sorry, im sorry, im sorry, and love wars waged in cars on snowy days with $69 parking tickets, are mine. 

you can’t have it. not today. stop reaching, your claws out. you. are. no. zenia.

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I desperately wish that I could shut that nagging guilt.

that comes once in a while and makes me feel oh so cruel, and oh so merciless, when all im being is selfish and self perserving.

I miss my dad, and I miss my sister, and I miss my mother, and my suits.

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do we recycle people? do we keep going back to the familiar and comfortable after each failed relationship? are we destined to be, going forever back, to that one friend we had in school that we never lost touch with?

does moving in with anyone mean anything? if we can move in with three different people in the span of 3 years, and still be ok with it, and still throw that house warming party? does it make any difference if we get a dog instead of a cat the second time around, and if the name is alice instead of tania and if all your friends knew the old house mate and the new housemate and if the latter and the former went to the same school.

does it matter at all? what does commitment mean, how does it hold any significance if it can be made to just about anyone. is there a reason to celebrate a moving in if the one your with has done it with everyone else hes been with?

these things scare me. these things that render relationships meaningless, that we can be in love for all of 4 years with another girl while dating others and moving in with others and buying cats with others and leaving others and moving on…and finally move in with the 4 year old love. I keep thinking maybe thats where the distraction came from, the refusal to really commit inspite of the moving in, maybe thats where the cheating came, and opportunistic relationship based on location and time convenience rather than mutual feelings of respect and care and love.

and today my friend is scaring me, and im scared that it all means nothing, that moving, in, out, over the borders for someone, leaving parents for someone , breaking hearts for someone, washing dishes, and doing laundry and saying sorry to someone, means really nothing…because there are always people to recycle who will do all these things and more.

and possibly have better breast

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